Petty Points

VIV Builder • June 26, 2023

Petty Points

Many know…we reside in Kirkwood, MO and so enjoy the perspectives and delight of keeping up with the local news via the small community newspaper, the TIMES, and as opportunity arises we embrace the gift of viewing life from a variety of lens’. 


The article we are sharing here does just this. Here is an excerpt from an email exchange I shared with one such writer… “For quite a while now, I've found your articles in the Webster-Kirkwood TIMES so quaint and poignant! After tabbing another one of your articles, my husband urged me to reach out to you and offer you a link to the website we host, specifically, the BLOG portion. We love LIFE, LIVING, GIVING and LOVING on each other and those around us. Would you consider allowing us to feature YOU on our BLOG? The Petty Points article resonated at a variety of levels and is so appropriate at numerous levels of life.”… 


And so here you go…Petty Points by Stefanie Downs…


For years, my husband and I played a game I like to call “Petty Points.” The only objective in

this game is to silently tally your misery and compare it to your spouse’s. For every wretched

task you do, you get a point- the more lousy the task, the more points it’s worth. Also, doing

anything relatively fun or fulfilling erases points on your side. If you are more miserable than

your partner, then your only reward is that you get to silently resent them. It really brought to life

that saying: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.


There was no consent to enter this game either, we just both sipped into it somehow. It then

became exponentially exacerbated when kids entered the picture. It was absolutely terrible.

After mentally calculating and comparing columns one day, I saw the toxic waste it was creating

inside of me. Despite my fierce competitive streak, I knew that the only thing worse than losing

was living like this; I made a conscious choice to bow out of the game.

I slowly started carving out time for myself, but in the beginning that time was laden with guilt.

He was still a torrent of energy swirling around me while I sat cross legged at the coffee table

and doodled.


The guilt that I felt was not necessarily coming from him either, it was an inside job. The same

voice in my head that would silently judge him for sitting and watching tv while I furiously folded

my third basket of laundry was now judging me. I was shaming myself for piddling away time

that could have been spent striving. I eventually gathered steam by prioritizing the things that

refueled me though, and I loosened my grip on the guilt.


In the last year, he finally dropped out of the game too and started taking care of himself. That

dull ache of misery has finally drained from his eyes, and I can see him freeing himself from the

shackles of shame.


We reflected on the changes we have seen in each other recently, and both of us agreed that

we like each other better when we take care of ourselves. Now he routinely asks me, “What are

you going to do for yourself this weekend?” Who knew that the only way for us to win was to

stop playing?


When you find yourself playing Petty Points, it’s really hard to end the cycle. You cannot just set

the scoreboard down unfortunately. (I tried that. I’d berate myself any time I accidentally started

tallying points, but shockingly that didn’t make anything better.) The only way out of the game is

to endure the guilt until you can ultimately reset your system to stop elevating your work ethic

above your well-being.


As always…we would love to have and hear your feedback…Feel free to share yours…

Here is ours…☺


Life ever so Full

Push shove pull


Here we go

And Oh NO! 


Pondering points and keeping a score

Only leads to the frustrations of more


At times we are on a quest desiring a retrieve

Yet often surprised by fresh peace we receive


How will you consider to evolve? 

Will you allow your heart a revolve?


Go forward today seeking positive recover…

When you do boundless JOY is set to hover!


© 2023 Kathleen Bauer, Ed D

   Alongside her husband B 

By Loving Lifelong Learning June 16, 2025
While some are already reveling in the respite of a summer break, very shortly, summer will truly be upon us and in full swing. Before we get all the immersed into summer adventures…I am compelled to reflect upon a “springing into summer” adventure we enjoyed in the MOUNTAINs! Earlier in spring, Brian and I were scheduled to be in Boulder, Colorado…Both of us had an array of items to complete while there and as we worked on our professional lives much of the time, we did take moments to experience the glorious beauty of the surrounding mountains. We participated in one of our favorite activities which is receiving FRESH AIR THERAPY! So, for personal development as we endeavored several “trails” and sought to thrive, we found ourselves at times acclimating well with measured breaths and strong endurance. There were other instances when the altitude seemed to be getting the best of us, and we were feeling so incredibly “old” and “out of shape” …YIKES! This up and down pattern served us up a few life reminders… GRIT matters. KEEP putting one foot in front of the other even when you cannot see the outcome or where the path is leading now. The WORK and exercises we do as a part of our life habits continues to be meaningful. It offered stamina on each trail we attempted and conquered. In LIFE , we oftentimes feel we are not “there” but when we persevere on, we are indeed headed forward. Keep GOING! The VIEW at every stage had more to explore than we could have imagined. There were twists, turns, times to sidestep, and valued seconds of stopping to enjoy and breathe it all in. Along with this came the inevitably unexpected, another hill to climb with more rock paths to maneuver through, and then we would turn another corner and keep going on and up toward the destination. From the Flat Iron paths to the trails through the red rocks. For the Royal Arch victory and the Mount Sanitas Trail after a steep Mapleton Avenue walk…we were stretched, found peace, wished for better core support, (smile), yet discovered more than we could take in while finding fulfillment and purpose in the complex yet simple journey. Similarly, situations around us might not be clear or understandable in life, but these mountainous experiences reminded us we must keep doing our trek. Today…we are where we are. How we have done life up to this point counts and carries lessons we may or may not be aware of. However, we must effort to remain present in each moment. So…what changes will you be willing to adjust for your life? What are you doing well? How can or will you choose to navigate each “trail” “hill” “trek” or “hike” of life and to do it well? Much to ponder… Perhaps you’ve been thrust into mountains of emotions to traverse, hills of pain to climb, or rocky relationships to navigate. Maybe the economy, your job situation or the health of yourself or loved ones feels tumultuous. Possibly you have endured a betrayal and rejection of those counted as friends…life happens doesn’t it? Moments of emotion will surface…Are you equipped to move through the climb? Gear up! May we find and embrace a sense of satisfaction despite the pain and do so with sprinkles of happiness. With courage, confidence and perseverance, we can lean in and stay healthy on this journey we call LIFE! Whatever path you choose Allow it to ignite and infuse Walk on with peace Find sweet release Success in the climb Viewing the sublime Keep calm and stay assured Even when the path is blurred Love without hurry Embrace no scurry Refrain from the fitful When seeking restful Always a season for each Soon again a time of reach For now, bask in tranquility With joy in your fresh ability To be strong Move along As you desire to retain And want to maintain Allow space for the unexpected Believing you are still protected Life mountains might indeed look to be in the way May we navigate well and on our BEST path stay  This we CAN do As life we go thru! © 2025 Kathleen Bauer, Ed D Alongside her hiking partner B
By Loving Lifelong Learning May 30, 2025
We often hear phrases such as things are not always as they appear, or just wait, be patient, the truth will come out, and maybe even…trust the PROCESS…trust THE process…TRUST the process…Hmmmmmm much easier stated than lived out. So seemingly unpredictable. And then let’s consider the WEATHER. At times we are hard pressed to find a consistent pattern…Some winter days feel like spring, spring days like summer and so on…Spring is typically the time for planting and new growth…and while we long for spring and refreshment we end up hearing tornado sirens and high winds blowing and then…trees are cracked, branches and leaves are strewn, some buildings and even precious homes damaged. And then again…we are called to remember….things are just not always as they appear or how we wish they would appear. Recently, I found another 4 leaf clover. Those who know me well understand this propensity has been lifelong. Ever since I can remember, I would be drawn to a clover patch and many times there would be a 4 leaf clover, just waiting to be picked…People often say, “FAITH HOPE LOVE & LUCK when they think of a 4 leaf clover. While there are various stances on 4 leaf clovers, how common or not, why they exist, the frequency for which one might find one…the fact is, I’ve been prone to discover them throughout the years. So…while I’m not sure why, it is a fact and my tendency is to find 4 leaf clovers. Loaded with fun, great conversation, a dedication to the one I’m speaking to or out with when the discovery is made, these clovers have brought many smiles, energizing surprises, good thoughts and sparked numerous interactions and conversations through the years. Regarding the 3rd one of this season, and there have been several since then, it was sweet, tiny, fully 4 leaves, yet shriveled very quickly. Along with this find, came the life reminder that so many things, situations, happenings in life can be temporary and are at times real but truly not as they appear. If one looked at the little clover just 30 minutes after the find, it did not look the same. And…especially this time I should have snapped the photo immediately! There have been several since, another tattered one, an uneven one, a speckled one, even a butterfly shaped 4 leaf clover and one found on a particularly tough evening. This reminder of things not always being what they appear has been so timely. The path feels long and at moments impossible right? A nudge to recall might need to be reframed and turned into a pull back or a redirect. Assessing a situation from a different view and choosing to refrain from getting stuck on what “should be” and letting what is unfold…might be the best path choice. Growing on from there may include a challenge but oftentimes this is needful to do. And to do so while simultaneously strengthening our emotional stamina can be powerful. At times I believe we are inclined to long for “linear” and for everything to be set directly into place and stay on track with a specific frame we hold onto as hope. When we realize our journeys become shaped and better informed by our sadnesses and celebrations as well as our surprises and the mundane, we are better equipped to learn and lead by example and share forward helping our world to become better and stronger, one heart at a time. And whether it feels comfortable or not, and regardless of how linear the process may seem as we are trudging through, we simply cannot see what is not there. As we soar through spring, rites of passages via graduations or milestone events which inevitably occur, let us enjoy each moment for what it is, embrace life with goodness and grace and remember, just because something looks one way now, it can and will most likely change. Are you willing to rearrange? Grow? Settle in? Reach for different? Regrouping and resetting may be on deck so let us lean forward accepting FAITH HOPE LOVE along with a sprinkle of LUCK or CHANCE…and make all our spaces better with our time, treasure, heart soul and being! Things are not always as they appear Diligently try not to live within fear Will you choose grace And gently embrace? Faith to fill Hope to still Love to lead your circumstance Embracing good luck and chance Allow a spontaneous surprise To enlighten your mind’s eyes Engage with your all Pursuing the life call To be and show What you know Each and every day In so many a way The path might be long But keep moving along When put to the test Live to impart your best And remember…in all you do You can and will get through! © 2025 Kathleen Bauer, Ed D Alongside her husband B
By Loving Lifelong Learning July 16, 2024
CHRISTMAS in JULY?!?! What? Recently, after being at the STL Soccer game and watching the effort by our CITY team, Brian and I were headed home and listening to the KMOX broadcast of the Cardinal game. We barely made it in the house to turn on the TV and watch the Cardinals WIN! It was their second VICTORY of the DAY! At some point during the 9th inning while we were doing this, I noticed a phrase at the bottom of our screen…It read, “ CHRISTMAS in JULY”! Immediately…this phrase jettisons me back to yesteryear; watching the Venture, K-Mart and Famous-Barr (your Christmas ANGEL store…!) ads as child. It never felt all the way right when the sales would begin describing Christmas and Winter Holidays when we were anticipating fireworks displays, heading to the pool, playing kickball in the yard, and collecting fireflies. Ahhhhhh CHRISTMAS in JULY! To me, these words, CHRISTMAS in JULY, stir up music in my heart, mind and soul. While we do not feel ready for the Holiday Season to embark on us at this very minute, Brian and I LOVE the thought of CELEBRATION, FAMILY, FUN, & LOVE! Do you? What brings music to your ears? How does your heart experience an extra surge of happy beats? Is it a beautiful display of fireworks like many have taken in lately? Is it the laughter of children in the neighborhood playing? Perhaps it is an array of special people in your life or maybe even some important memories of days gone by. Throughout July, maybe we take some time to reflect on what has been and what is yet to come by the time we will be making it through another calendar year. Has any event or happening resonated deeply with you? Among our summer favorites, we have integrated some small house and yard projects, sought to carve new paths within our daily work, intentionally focused upon being “there” for some, and have centered in on embracing the unpredicted events and opportunities we have been offered. So, whether you celebrate Christmas or not, as you head to local sporting events, enjoy a favorite cool summer treat with those you love or simply enjoy the longer daylight hours of summer with taking just one more walk through the neighborhood, try to find moments to savor and embrace all of the beautiful; past, present and yet to come. Do you find yourself already anticipating another holiday to come? Try not to resist or overlook the potential adventures awaiting in the here and nearly NOW! And, just sayin’…the ULTIMATE Christmas in July for US this year? Well, it is fast approaching as we anticipate the arrival of some of our dear extended family dropping in for a visit very soon…the elements of surprise and joy and new memories to make loom sure. To us, this is simply the BEST & that’s a WINNER! Through the years Amidst life’s fears Whether it is in December or July Or any other month, time flies by From then & onto now A heart surge & WOW Perspective matters Amidst life shatters Whoever you are with & whatever you do Delight in each & every moment…be TRUE Memories & photos galore Of those we so much adore At the Grand Hotel Our hearts did swell From Ted Drewes to CITY & Cardinal Nation Our people are with us in fresh anticipation For the unexpected to be yet lead the way As newfound memories are formed today Stirring arrays of enlightened emotion Amidst loved ones and the commotion Seek for reasons to celebrate Letting JOY & PEACE infiltrate Always find memories of days gone away By looking ahead to walk into another day More than research or reflection Relationships deserve protection As with a sundae topped with whipped cream & a cherry Lean into and embrace every moment and do not tarry Cherish the treasures of life and good all year long Clean out spiff up and with possibility move along With agility finding our best attitude Coloring every bit of life in gratitude Lean into the BEAUTY-FULL Embrace the WONDER-FULL As always we invite you to the party of reminiscing, celebrating or sharing…your thoughts are welcome…so join the conversation. © 2024 Kathleen Bauer, Ed D Alongside her husband B 
More Posts